


Best kind of feeling

by Silverdancer



Category: VIXX
Genre: Canon Compliant, Hakyeon enlists, M/M, Slice of Life, established Cha Hakyeon | N/Jung Taekwoon | Leo, once a leader always a leader
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-25
Updated: 2019-04-25
Packaged: 2019-12-30 01:24:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18305321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Silverdancer/pseuds/Silverdancer
Summary: Because family doesn't stop being family when you are away.(Hakyeon goes to the military. The world does not end)





	Best kind of feeling

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by Anonymous in the [kpopolymfics2019](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/kpopolymfics2019) collection. 



> **Prompt:**  
> 
>  **Dean – "instagram"**  
> [lyrics](https://colorcodedlyrics.com/2017/12/dean-instagram) **|** [video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wKyMIrBClYw) **|** [supplementary](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/b1/34/d2/b134d2689da4f8ed8da6158b9f224da4.jpg) \- [prompts](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/a7/38/8f/a7388f352e9a71030c6883c030c0713b.jpg)
> 
> This fic was written for K-Pop Olymfics 2019 as part of Team Canon/AR/Future 1. Olymfics is a challenge in which participants write fics based on prompt sets and compete against other teams of writers, organized by genre. Competition winners are chosen by the readers, so please rate this fic using [this survey](https://drive.google.com/open?id=1xh9KpFMn2AuH--ro32t3TFGLxKH9Ix14iIFHjIw2eiA)!

It’s not even midnight when the lights in Hakyeon’s room go out, everyone around him still in the process of getting ready to go to bed. It feels surreal, after all this time, to be _here_. He finishes changing, and lays down on the bed— one of the lower bunk beds that was still unclaimed when he got in. His bed from now on, he supposes.

As the rest of his platoon start to turn in for the night too, the room gradually gets quieter, the only audible sounds the occasional turning in bed, or the stray cough disturbing the silence. Hakyeon tries to get comfortable, but this is not the bed he’s used to sleeping in, and it’s been a while since he shared a room with so many people that he isn’t close with.

It has barely started but the service is everything and nothing like what he had thought it would be. It feels like everything his family always talked about, serious and strict and cold. But somehow, Hakyeon thinks, being thirty makes everything so different. He’s not the only one, not even close, but they are the minority and it shows.

As sleep continues to elude him, he starts to notice that this is not an unfamiliar situation. It’s not what he’s used to lately, not with his own bed at his own place. Not after getting used to sleep next so someone for so long. And yet, it reminds him of his trainee days, all of them crammed in that dorm.

The first nights were very much like this one: sleeping surrounded by people he did not know at all, removed from the life he had known before and only having a bag of his belongings to comfort and keep him company. He remembers how alone he felt then, even if he was around his group of trainees 24 hours a day and how much he missed home.

Hakyeon turns around again, facing the other group of beds, and listens to the silence of the room. He thinks he can hear someone sobbing into their pillow, the silence making it acutely obvious. The silence, then, is more telling than anything.

His eyes are tired but he doesn’t sleep that night, the sun chasing him up before he can let his mind rest.

He misses home.

  

 

***

 

The first days are the hardest.

The nights are worst.

He lies awake at night, counting the hours go by. His body is tired exhausted but his mind keeps him alert, no matter how tired he is. He wonders how much he will be able to go on, and what will happen when he crumbles. He can hear the beds creak every time someone moves, and knows he’s not the only one feeling like that, but somehow that thought doesn’t comfort him.

It takes four days before someone collapses from exhaustion as they are left training, running under the sun by themselves. Hakyeon is surprised when it’s not himself but one of the younger kids in the platoon who falls like a dead weight in the middle of an exercise. He can’t remember his name, but that doesn’t stop him from kneeling beside him, checking for any concussion. Someone goes to call for help, while most of them stand around, tired and scared.

“He needs water,” Hakyeon says to no one in particular, “and something to fan him with.” Someone comes with a bottle of water and as Hakyeon opens it, someone else comes back and kneels beside Hakyeon, fanning the kid.

The medical team doesn’t take long to come, taking the kid on the litter with them. They say it’s exhaustion, Hakyeon hears. It’s nothing he hasn’t seen before, but that doesn’t stop the shaken feeling from going through him when he gets up.

He falls asleep that night before dawn, drained and tired feeling like 19 all over again.

 

 

***

 

Sometimes he thinks crying would help. He feels tense and strung and exhausted all the time.

They give them time at the end of the week so they can write to their family, and take a picture to send with it. He sits and thinks of the words he wants to tell his parents, his sisters, his nephews. He writes a letter to his fans

But he stares up to the darkness at night and continues not to cry.

 

 

***

 

By the end of the week they announce that he has been appointed as the platoon leader. The announcement is received with quiet cheers, and congratulations from his group, but Hakyeon feels a little numb.

He’s the leader, _again_.

He should be proud. That he’s serving, that he’s been chosen as the leader. That his country is putting faith in him, that they see him as reliable.

When he can’t sleep, he writes. To his parents and siblings. To his friends. To his band-mates. To Taekwoon. He tells them the good news, tells them that he’s healthy. That he’ll be okay.

He hopes that maybe if he writes it enough times, if he repeats it enough, it will become true.

 

 

***

 

They get an announcement about a month in. Their division head calls for them at the end of the training session for a meeting.

“What do you think it will be?” one of the them asks. Hakyeon turns around and sees the kid that collapsed, Yongsu, looking directly at him.

The rest of them also look at Hakyeon expectantly now, hoping for some kind of answer.

“I wasn’t informed of it either,” Hakyeon answers. They look even more worried after that and Hakyeon can’t help himself. “Unless you have been doing something you shouldn’t have, I think it won’t be anything bad,” he teases, squinting his eyes, playfully menacing, effectively breaking the tension.

They gather them and a couple more platoons at one of the briefing rooms in camp. He remembers seeing some of the faces of the groups that meet with them from the day they came in, and is even more curious about what is going on.

Soon enough a couple of officials enter alongside their division head, holding two plastic boxes filled to the brim with… phones?

“When your name is called, please come forward,” is the only thing he says before starting calling everyone’s names one by one. Hakyeon watches, curious, as each of them receive a phone before calling the next person. None of them react, part of the training already kicking in, and that makes Hakyeon even more curious.

Hakyeon’s name is called soon enough, and is surprised to discover that not only they are handing them phones, but they are handing _their_ phones. Hakyeon gets his hand around it and knows instantly, the familiar weight and feeling being unmistakable.

“You will be allowed to use these from the moment your training for the day is finished and until the lights go down. You may use it to communicate with your family the same way you would do though a letter; the same confidentiality applies. This is part of an experiment, and it is not a permanent situation and might be revoked at any time with no previous announcement.”

There’s an energy in the room that buzzes with excitement, Hakyeon can feel it, the moment they hear those words. Everyone stays still, but the energy is still there, and when they are dismissed, they answer with more energy than Hakyeon has ever heard them.

 

 

***

 

Hakyeon watches elated as most of the people around take their chance and call their loved ones as soon as they exit the room. Sees them walk around, straying and finding a place where they can talk without being disturbed.

Hakyeon isn’t any less, fingers finding easily one specific phone number without him having to look at the screen. It doesn’t take long for the line to connect, and he can feel his smile forming when he hears the voice on the other side.

“Mom, it’s me.”

 

 

***

They don’t give them a lot of time to talk, actually, and after talking with his parents, he gets cut off in the middle of talking with his sister, lights going down mid sentence. It still feels exhilarating, being able to talk to them this early into the service, and falls asleep thinking of what will he do the next day with the little time they grant them.

Before he notices, he is given his own phone again, the training session flying by, and now that he has it, he’s not sure what he wants to do with it. He sees the notification bubble on his phone informing him of new messages and his fingers itch to open that but then— he’s not sure he wants them to learn about it via text. It doesn’t feel right.

He wonders briefly who to call first, who should be the first to know, but even as he scrolls through his contact list, he knows it’s not really a hard decision to make… if there was a decision to make at all.

His finger hovers over Taekwoon’s name and pauses. What if he can’t take the call?

He doesn’t know his schedule lately, he realizes, and it would be worse to see a missed call from him and then not getting to connect at all, especially if it had been hours before. He could call a manager, but he wants this to be a surprise, and he knows how little they keep those.

With the Internet as his only option, he opens the browser first, and searches for the official schedule. By the time he arrives at his bunk, he already knows that Taekwoon doesn’t have any public appearance until a couple of days later, but he knows that there’s always something going on behind the public eyes. He lays in bed, and considers what could be the best way to find out — besides asking any of them, of course — when his eyes land on the instagram icon.

His finger taps on it before he can think otherwise.

His screen floods with pictures of what everyone he knows has been up about. Taekwoon, yes, but also Jaehwan and Wonshik and Sanghyuk. His family. He scrolls down slowly, taking in every one of the pics, and taking stock of the little differences: the concealed eye bags, the rushed _selfies_ , the perfect hairstyles. He’s careful not to like anyone’s pictures, not wanting to ruin his surprise.

But as he scrolls down the list, he can’t help but pat the screen just as he’d do with them. “I hope you’re doing well”, he whispers, and moves down further. He’ll tell them soon enough, he hopes, but he can’t help the thought, nor the words, not even with old pictures that he has definitely seen before.

Curfew arrives before Hakyeon notices, and hands in his phone, already missing the little he had of them.

 

 

***

 

The next few days are extra exhausting, the training routine picking up so much that the only thing Hakyeon can do after finishing for the day is go straight to bed, muscles hurting like they hadn’t done in ages, not since he started dancing, anyway. Part of him is excited about being able to push his body further, to limits he didn’t know he could reach, but the rest of him is too exhausted to do more than the basic surviving.

That is why when after a week or so he doesn’t feel like crashing immediately until the sun is up again, he walks up to ask for his phone. His muscles ache a little when he powers through the camp quickly, phone in his hand already dialing Taekwoon.

The number of people that go up to get their phone every day gets smaller, Hakyeon notices, and so does the people staying inside, talking to their loved ones. Which is good, he thinks, since he’s not really feeling up to searching a place to hide right now. Hakyeon lays on his bed as the third calling sound beeps on his ear. Maybe he should have been more thorough on his investigation — but he was fairly sure that at the very least Taekwoon could take a short call. There wasn’t a lot scheduled for the next few weeks for him, so even if he were practicing it wouldn’t be a last minute thing, so he would probably have his phone on him.

Or at least that’s what he hopes until the line gets disconnected a couple of tones later. He sighs in disappointment and considers what to do, looking at, but not really seeing, the details on the bunk bed above him. He’s still lost in thought when the phone vibrates in his hand, and Taekwoon’s face shows up on the screen.

Hakyeon hasn’t answered so quickly in his life.

“Taekwoon—” Hakyeon starts, eager, but he gets interrupted.

“Hakyeon? Is everything okay?” Taekwoon's voice sounds scared through the phone and Hakyeon rushes to answer.

“Yes!” He rushes to answer. “Everything’s fine, I am okay,” and then, “are _you_ okay?”

“I am now, yes,” Taekwoon answers, breathing heavily in relief. Hakyeon hears him chuckle softly a little later.

“Didn’t mean to scare you like that, I am sorry,” Hakyeon apologizes, voice lowering towards the end.

Taekwoon makes a wounded noise and moves on, “How are you calling, though? Are you—?”

Hakyeon laughs, endeared, “I am truly fine. Apparently our section was chosen for some kind of study, and that means that we can use our phones after the training session has ended.”

“Oh! That’s good.” Taekwoon says, the relief noticeable on his voice. Hakyeon can hear some noise in the background, and some faint voices and the next moment Taekwoon is asking “So, how is training going?”

“It’s good,” Hakyeon says, and gets more comfortable on the bed, telling Taekwoon all the training exercises, and what little knows about his platoon.

“They sound like good guys,” Taekwoon says, and sounds amused.

“They are! They seem really cool, even if none of them knew us before. And I am the oldest one, so-”

“The leader again?”

“I am never escaping that, it seems,” Hakyeon laughs, and Taekwoon laughs with him.

Taekwoon, in turn, tells him all about the members, how well Jaehwan is doing with his musicals and how happy Wonshik was with his solo - Hakyeon saw, too, on the broadcasts that they let them watch, pointing proudly at him when he appeared on screen, feeling even more proud when some of his platoon-mates thought the song was cool. He needed to tell Wonshik later, he was sure he'd love to hear that.

He also tells Hakyeon about Hongbin and his gaming broadcasts and Hakyeon feels proud that he finally managed to convince the agency to let him do it. He doesn’t know what conditions they gave him, but he’s happy he finally can. Taekwoon also tells him about Sanghyuk and his play and how well he’s doing. He regrets not being able to go support him, but he’s there when he gets home sometimes and he always looks tired, but really happy, and really really proud. Hakyeon listens through all of it, clinging to every second of Taekwoon’s voice.

He breathes, relieved that everything seems to be going well. He didn’t think everything would crumble the moment he went away, but years of counting for them at every waking second outside home made him worry even if he didn’t have a reason.

Then… Hakyeon notices that while Taekwoon has talked about the rest of the members he hasn’t talked about himself. It takes him a while to speak, his voice catching on his throat, and when he finally does, his voice is scratchy and low.

“And how are you doing?”

Taekwoon doesn’t answer immediately either, and when he does, he talks about the Elizabeth plays. He talks about the cast that is with him and how well they take care of him, about the lunches he goes to with the actresses of the cast, and how much they dote on him. But no matter how much he talks, Hakyeon notices there’s something he’s not telling.

It doesn’t matter that Hakyeon can’t see him face to face, he’s absolutely sure about it.

He listens to Taekwoon attentively, and at some point he hears his voice getting weaker and weaker. He wonders if he’s falling asleep, and stays quiet trying to hear Taekwoon’s breath at the other end of the line. There’s silence, finally, a sentence unfinished, and Hakyeon waits.

Hakyeon wonders if he should ask, bring Taekwoon back, but it’s not necessary.

“I miss you,” Taekwoon says, voice soft, louder than a whisper but not by much. Not that it matters, because Hakyeon feels it in his bones, feels ever tremble in Taekwoon’s voice when he says it. He can’t stay lying down anymore, crossing his legs on the bed and sitting upright. “I miss you,” he repeats.

Hakyeon crumbles.

“I miss you too,” he confesses, there in the darkness and little privacy that this room can give him. He crumbles and cries but this admission, too, lifts a weight from him.

He feels eighteen again, young and lost and alone. He curls on himself and wishes Taekwoon was there and they could be awake until dawn, talking about anything in particular until they felt less alone — he wishes Taekwoon was there, period.

“I have been sleeping in your bed, lately,” Taekwoon says, his voice suspiciously breathy, “When I don’t have to get up early the next day.”

There’s something about the confession that makes Hakyeon feel better — about Taekwoon searching for him on the pieces he knew of himself, about being missed, being cared for, that brings him back.

Everything about this reminds him of his training days, but it’s his job to remember that everything has changed since then. He’s not alone, nor he’s the only one suffering.

“Thank you, Taekwoon.”

Somehow, he feels a little less lost.

“I love you, too.”

 

 

***

 

Hakyeon is smiling when he hangs up, despite the tear tracks on his face. He feels full and bright again, the sound of Taekwoon laughing at the other end of the line definitely helping with that.

There's still some time until the lights go down, so instead, he opens his messaging app and the VIXX chat.

He wouldn't know who to pick to call first anyway.

 

 

***

 

It’s weird.

He doesn’t have that much time to talk at the end of the day, and yet. He feels himself grounded, happier.

And he knows he’s not the only one.

There’s still shuffling at night, restless moving, but it’s been a long time since he has heard muffled crying before falling asleep.

He survived it once, and he will do it again. Hakyeon smiles as sleep claims him. It’s tough, he thinks, but definitely better.

 

 

***

 

  
**Sanghyuk**  
Oh my god, hyung, whose phone did you steal to be able to talk with us???  
Wait would you be able to see this conversation if you stole someone else’s phone?

**Jaehwan**  
Did you steal your own phone???

**me**  
Jaehwan, please.

***

 

“You’re happier,” comments Yongsu one day. They are going back to their room for the night and all Hakyeon can think of is how much he is going to enjoy to _finally_ lay down in bed.

The confusion must be obvious on his face because Yongsu laughs before clarifying.

“Not _now_ , but in general,” he says, stopping in front of his bed. Hakyeon stops with him, “we weren’t able to tell at the beginning, but you’re different now.”

“Good different?” Hakyeon asks, only half joking.

Yongsu nods, earnest.

 

***

 

It’s a calm, sunny day, and Hakyeon is happy to be able to enjoy it outside. He knows the novelty will wear off, but so many years going from training basement to performing venue to music show stage makes him appreciate be able to enjoy the warmth of the sun on him without feeling guilty.

 

***

 

Sanghyuk texts him privately one day.

 _If I were you I’d make sure I am on my best looks for tomorrow_ , the message reads.

 _What do you mean?_ Hakyeon sends, but it goes unanswered.

 

***

 

It’s visit day and Hakyeon is still thinking about Sanghyuk’s message when he feels a tap on his shoulder, asking for his attention.

He turns around to see Taekwoon himself, looming over him and Hakyeon cannot stand up quickly enough, hugging him.

It doesn’t feel real. He feels Taekwoon’s arms around him, hugging him tight, too good to be true.

(If this were not in public, if they were not surrounded by dozens of unsuspecting eyes, he knows that this would go differently. Taekwoon does, too, face pressing into his neck, holding him close a second too long)

“You look good,” Taekwoon says when they separate, walking to sit opposite to where Hakyeon was sitting when he arrived. It feels silly that Taekwoon is the one saying that, skinny jeans on and looking like he had just walked out of a fashion advertisement.

He appreciates it anyway.

They make small talk and Taekwoon shows him a video of Minyul, his eyes sparkling before he plays it. He waves and sends flying kisses to _uncle Hakyeon_ and hopes he’s back soon.

Hakyeon cries a little.

And then Taekwoon smiles sadly at him and says what Hakyeon has been afraid of hearing since he first saw him.

“I got my letter, too,” he says, not looking at Hakyeon while he does. He looks _guilty_ , Hakyeon thinks. “I’m going in next month.”

Hakyeon feels strangely calm. He thinks of Taekwoon and how well he plays in teams, and thinks of his platoon-mates, how they were as scared as he was, if not more.

He thinks of how scared he was himself, of how hard it was at the beginning. How hard it is, a lot of the time, even now. It is not supposed to be easy. But he also knows Taekwoon will do well.

He’s going to be okay, too.

 

***

 

There’s a picture on the group chat, a group picture from Taekwoon’s farewell dinner, waiting for Hakyeon to see.

Hakyeon saves it, and is about to comment on it when he sees a message right under it.

_Hyung made it too!_

He opens the picture again, suspicious, and there he sees it, right at the end of the table there’s a picture of him with a home shopping guide open at the bottom as an offering.

 _These kids_ , he thinks, laughing. But two can play a game.

He gathers everyone for a picture, and sends it right back to the channel, no comment attached.

The messages don’t take long to come in.

 

**Wonshik**  
Oh wow, hyung replaced us!

**Jaehwan**  
Hyung!! Don’t leave us!

**me**  
That’s what you get by being mean

**Taekwoon**  
ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ

 

***

 

“Why did you want to take that pic, hyung?” Someone asks. Hakyeon is changing, and he can’t catch the voice well, but he answers anyway.

He tells him, and everyone who’s listening, about the picture, and about his group, feeling proud and warm when there’s a small interested group later, asking questions about them.

He keeps talking for as long as the lights are on and only because someone on the far end of the room shushes them, a playful, “now kids, time for bed,” that makes everyone chuckle.

This feels right.

***

 

Hakyeon steps into his apartment building, wearing his uniform and alone. It is a weird feeling, so familiar and foreign at the same time. His duffel bag feels heavy in his hand as the elevator goes up, and the reflection looking back at him doesn’t look at all like the person that was there when he left.

He tries not to think much about it as he walks to his door and punches the code on the lock. There are a couple of seconds of silence that feel longer than Hakyeon remembers and for a moment he fears that he’s at the wrong apartment, or that the combination is not the one he was so sure he knew.

The door chimes, welcoming, and clicks opens just as Hakyeon remembers, the light turning out automatically with the movement.

The faint smell of his candles lingers at the entrance; Hakyeon steps in, slowly, carefully, walking in as if it were the first time. He leaves the bag by the door, and takes off his shoes, finding his slippers right where he kept them. There’s some light outside still, the last rays of sun sneaking through the window, lighting up the living room, and he walks to it slowly, drinking in every detail.There’s a blanket on the couch that he does not remember owning, but besides that, the room looks exactly like he remembers leaving.

Even his small family of cacti looks as cute and alive as it did when he left, he notices, crouching to look at them properly. He feels silly, being so attached to a bunch of plants that he barely remembered while he was inside, but seeing them here, alive, it feels like a warm welcome.

He’s there. He’s okay, he made it.

He knows that there are people waiting for his call, but now that he’s here, now that he’s home, he feels very, very tired.

A nap wouldn’t hurt, he thinks. Even if it’s a really short one.

He takes his jacket off, leaving it on the arm of the couch, and goes to his room, already yawning on the way, thinking of how comfortable his own bed is going to be. Warm and silent and _his own_.

He’s so eager to sleep he barely notices the envelope laying on top of the pillow, only seeing it after it falls when he moves the blanket to try and get inside. He eyes it carefully, not taking his eyes off it even as he takes his pants off, already suspecting what it can be. His fingers tremble as he reaches for it, and turns it around, searching for anything that can confirm his suspicions.

When there’s nothing on the outside, he opens it, careful to not tear it more than necessary. Hakyeon takes the note out, no longer than a small piece of paper and tries to contain the tears welling up on his eyes.

He would recognize that handwriting everywhere.

 _”Dear Hakyeon,_ ” it reads. It is possible that Hakyeon reads it out loud, softly, losing himself in the words so much he doesn’t realize he’s doing it. He’s absolutely sure he wouldn’t care even if the entire marching band were in that room with him, waiting for him to read. “ _I miss you more than I can say. I miss you every day._ ”

(They are not there for this one but they are for the first time Taekwoon sends him a letter from his own service. He doesn’t mind then, either, his hands still trembling slightly when he opens the envelope, as if the most important treasure of the universe is being handed to him.)

It doesn’t end there.

“ _But I love you more than I miss you. I didn’t dare to say so the night before you enlisted, even if I knew then. I will wait for you. And the same way your perfumes and your bed stayed with me these weeks, I hope this letter can keep you company when you need it, when you’re back._ ”

If Hakyeon falls asleep keeping the letter beside his heart… well. No one can blame him.

**Author's Note:**

> All the hugs and thank yous to the team, and my mod ♥ and M, R, T and J for the support and hand holding through this. And thank you to everyone who read this.
> 
> And Hakyeon, for writing a letter basically confirming the first part a week before deadline.
> 
> If you read this and you liked it, remember to drop by [this survey](https://drive.google.com/open?id=1xh9KpFMn2AuH--ro32t3TFGLxKH9Ix14iIFHjIw2eiA)!


End file.
